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Bondage for beginners: A step-by-step guide

on February 06, 2018 - 12:57,


Thinking about giving bondage a try? Here’s everything you need to know…

If you’ve ever entertained fantasies of engaging in a bit of bondage – cue, mutual tying-up-and-teasing with your partner – you’re definitely not alone. A poll carried out in February 2016 found that 12,727,272 of Brits have been tied up for sex.

Bondage has been a fixture of erotic novels and art for centuries, from Rembrandt’s Andromeda Chained to the Rocks in 1630, through to the release of Fifty Shades of Grey which took the publishing world by storm in 2013, bondage has certainly gone mainstream in the last few years.

A staggering 100 million copies of the Fifty Shades trilogy were sold worldwide, allowing countless women to indulge in sexual fantasies about BDSM that they might not otherwise have owned up to. Suddenly, S&M was everywhere. In fact, the movie made the move so popular sales of the spreader bar sex toy sold out after Fifty Shades Darker hit cinemas and viewers witnessed that erotic scene between Christian and Ana.

But why is bondage so alluring? We’re into bondage for a variety of reasons. Play-struggling against restraints can build an exciting adrenaline rush, while being blindfolded heightens the senses in the rest of the body. Think of all the times you’ve closed your eyes during a massage – feels much better, right?

What is bondage?

Well, the B in BDSM involves consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic, aesthetic and/or somatosensory (tactile) stimulation. But how do you introduce something that conjures up images of leather fetish gear, gimp masks and twisted rope, into a bedroom that rarely hosts anything riskier than Reverse Cowgirl?

Bondage for beginners – tips from the experts

Don’t try it with strangers

First things first: Experts recommend that you don’t embark on your first bondage experience with a near-stranger. So new Tinder dates are out.

Drop some hints first

Many people are put off experimenting with bondage because they don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. This is something we are used to: ‘Never mind not knowing what to buy, a lot of our customers don’t necessarily know how to say to their partner, ‘Oh hey, honey, can you tie me up and spank me tonight?’ – it’s not the easiest thing to throw out there.’ She recommends getting hold of some erotic fiction, or maybe a DVD to watch in the comfort of your own home. ‘That’s the very first step, before you even look at products. Plant the seed in your partner’s mind that it might be something you want to try. Getting them used to the idea might change their perspective a little bit.’

Don’t be put off by misconceptions about bondage

Bondage has something of a reputation, but it can actually be a very romantic way of enhancing a relationship. ‘The world of bondage is like the world of curries. When you say ‘bondage’ to someone, they think ‘whips and chains and scary stuff’. In the same way, when you say ‘curry’ to someone then they might think, ‘oh my god, that’s hot and spicy and I can’t stand spicy food – it’s vindaloo’. And yes, that does exist, but there’s still korma. Beginner’s bondage is like the korma of fetish play. There’s no reason why when you’re in a curry house, anyone’s going to force you to have a vindaloo. If you want to stick to korma, that’s fine. And just because you’ve tried something once, that doesn’t mean you have to keep trying if you don’t like it – no one’s going to make you eat a second korma!’

 Trust and communication is key

Bondage bedroom games require and imply a surrender of control, by the restrained partner to the active partner. Jess says that it’s important, therefore, to establish a safety word before you begin: ‘It means everyone knows that there’s complete trust in the scenario, and you know that just saying one word will stop play immediately.’

The concept of a safety word can be daunting: ‘Some people who are complete novices might think, “If I need a safety word, this must be some really scary play”, but it really isn’t. We have a safety word for all kinds of sex, and that’s usually ‘No’. But when it comes to fetish play, ‘No’ might not be enough because it might be part of the play, so that’s why we talk about safety words. You know that if you say ‘Pineapple’ midway through play, things are going to stop immediately.’

This is where bondage and fetish play can even build a relationship and create trust. ‘You’re giving yourself to your partner’, says Jess, ‘so it’s not just about sensation – it can be really quite romantic’. Relationship counsellor Cat Williams agrees:

Choose your a position carefully

When couples are broaching the subject of bondage, they often feel pressure to label themselves as either the submissive or the dominant partner. Jess says that for first timers, this is irrelevant. ‘A lot of people think, “I’ve got to pick one”, or “I’m the guy so I have to go on top”. Throughout experimentation, you might well find that you favour one over the other, or quite dramatically hate being a sub. But when we’re talking about absolute beginners and novices, I would say sample both at the beginning.’

‘I know people tend to reference sub and dom, but there’s a third category entirely, which is ‘switch’. Some people might be a switch for their entire sex life. That’s just somebody who likes to flip back and forth, depending on their mood and partner. In one relationship they might always be a sub, or Saturday they’re a sub and Sunday they’re a dom. There’s nothing wrong with being a switch.’

Be the first to jump in

According to Jess, the best way to make something non-intimidating is to volunteer to do it first: ‘I might say, “I’m going to wear a blindfold tonight, I’ve got this great idea – I really want to try you massaging me while I’m wearing the blindfold”, and once you’ve done it, tell them how great it was. It’s almost reverse psychology. Show them what a great time you had while you were tied up, or whilst you had the blindfold on, and they’ll be gagging to try it later’

Keep it simple

When it comes to bondage essentials, Jess recommends starting out simple. ‘Don’t start bringing in loads of tools – that can be intimidating, or overcomplicate things and become more of a distraction than an enhancement.’ Which is why blindfolds are so handy. Most of us have one lying around.

‘As soon as you block off someone’s vision it heightens all of their other responses. they’re going to become really sensitive to touch. Bondage is this idea of heightening both psychological and physiological response. Playing with what your body already does. If you’re slipping a blindfold on to your partner and massaging them, they’re going to be really sensitive to every touch.

Blindfolds are non-intimidating because you can usually get them in satiny materials.’ Jess says that a lot of Lovehoney customers have been put off exploring bondage by the materials usually associated with it. ‘People conjure up this idea of leather and chains and metal and spikes. I think that in itself can be quite off-putting. especially if you’re someone who likes a bit of lace or satin in the bedroom. What’s changed over the last few years is that we’ve got a lot more gear that appeals to people who want to keep things soft and sensual. So it feels more like lingerie. It’s not about being hard and intimidating.’

Best sexy toys for bondage – some essentials you may want to consider…

LustandLove.eu offers a range of products for couples looking to explore bondage. Products are delivered in discreet packaging – so no knowing looks from the postman. Click here to look what’s in stock.

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